CO-OWNER LUCAS FUNERAL HOME
Yolanda L., co-owner of Lucas Funeral Home, has been sharing her story with other parents grieving the loss of their infants as part of the First Year Cleveland Pregnancy and Infant Loss group. Here, she details her 10-year journey to motherhood.

I’ve always wanted to become a mother. It was one of my dreams. I was always that number one babysitter in my teen years. When all my friends got married and had kids, my gift was always babysitting. I’d watch the kids if they needed to get away for a weekend or go to special events. I’ve just always loved children. I was married in 1995, and we started trying to get pregnant in 1997. My first pregnancy was in 1999, in the midst of my husband and I working hard to open our funeral home. We were so excited to become parents.

On January 22, 2000, we hosted our grand opening. It was one of the happiest and saddest days of my life because I had lost the baby just three days before, right near the end of my first trimester. I experienced so much pain and felt so alone, even though hundreds of people showed up to support us on the launch of the business. My husband was trying to be my support system, but he was hurting, also. I was smiling and rejoicing on the outside but crying on the inside. One dream was fulfilled and the other dream — motherhood — was not. At that time, I had no one to talk to about it. With a lot of my friends, it seemed like a lot of things came easy. They got pregnant and there were no complications. I was surrounded by people who had successful pregnancies.

I had a lot on my plate during this time. We had started a new business and I was taking care of my mother-in-law, multi-tasking on many levels. I felt like I had to keep it moving. Because if I didn’t keep it moving, I would fall apart. We kept trying to get pregnant and suffered more losses along the way. I suffered a lot in silence. I was depressed, but I smiled in public. I started developing all these strange symptoms where doctors couldn’t find a reason for the pain. But then one doctor told me, “All these symptoms are stress related.”

You internalize that pain and it ends up coming out one way or another. Finally, in 2006, I went to Houston and visited Lakewood Church. I waited in line after the service to meet Joel Osteen and his wife Victoria, and they prayed with me. He told me, “You need to activate your faith in a big way. You need to act like you’re already a mother.”

I went home and thought about what my baby needed. I bought an SUV, car seat and clothes. My husband thought I was going bonkers, but he stood in faith with me. At this time, I opened up and told people what I had been going through and asked them to pray for me. Later that year, someone recommended a doctor who handles very difficult fertility cases. He reviewed all my information and said, “I believe we can make this happen.”

My son Jason Harper L. II was born healthy in July 2007. I tell him all the time, “You are just such a blessing.” The baby journey was long, but it helped my character. I’m a lot more sensitive and want to help people through the process. It is a painful process, but you have to surrender to get through that pain. I want to give back now and let people know they’re not alone. I feel my purpose is to help others navigate through their grief and pain.

My Baby
By Yolanda L.

My Baby
Your smile when you awake
Warms my heart & day
Your little hands touch my face and
Your small arms wrap around my neck and shoulder
My heart melts with your embrace and I am so thankful for God’s Grace

To let me have you and be with you

Every day
You’re so beautiful
You look like a porcelain doll
Your life has brought me so much Joy
You’re truly a miracle
I am a blessed woman

To watch you grow and develop is amazing
Each day is something new that I cherish

It feels like a dream
The years of heartache, loss and grief
Are subsided…with a new beginning
All I see at this very moment.

IS

My precious living Baby and a grateful Mommy.

Attended Cleveland Clinic Sessions
Son is Abrim Sanders- 18 months

I found out about Centering when I scheduled my first prenatal appointment through Cleveland Clinic’s appointment line. I really liked the idea that it’s an easier way to do appointments in a fun environment, so thought why not give it a shot, and I loved it! I was expecting it to be more like a group meeting, kind of bland or boring, but when I got there it was a really nice, laid-back environment, and everybody was really friendly. It was eye opening about certain things to expect. Everyone made you feel welcome and comfortable. The people there – the other mothers and couples – made me feel really welcome.

I didn’t ask that many questions because I didn’t know what to ask, but other mothers and couples asked questions I didn’t even think to ask. Tony, Fran, and Janet from the Clinic would throw question to the group to consider and discuss too. That was very helpful, hearing all the questions you would want to ask if you thought of them!

Here’s what I tell people about Centering Pregnancy: If you don’t want to go to some boring appointment where you sit most of the time alone and only have a few short minutes with a doctor, and you want to meet other mothers probably going to thorough some of the same things that you are at the moment, and meet some of the people who will be working with you and your child when you’re in labor and the child is born – Centering is perfect! It’s open and conversational, and you are welcome with open arms. And, it’s a lot better and safer than trying to ask advice from people who really don’t have current medical training. Since you gain so much knowledge, I also tell people it’s like parent guiding or a pregnancy knowledge circle. And it’s all explained in easy terms for people who don’t speak in medical terminology.

Once people see the format and what to expect they really like it. It’s a good way to get questions and concerns out like “that’s not what I heard,” or “someone told me this,” and then the Centering facilitators can explain if something isn’t actually true, and correct common myths. There were a lot of things people “heard” and were nervous about but weren’t actually based in reality – so they could breathe a sigh of relief knowing what was true or not and not needing to worry about untrue myths.

You can also meet some of the medical team who might be around during your labor, so you feel more comfortable. The facilitators answer any questions you have. They would also prompt questions about day care, breastfeeding while working, labor techniques and options to explore, normal birthing procedures, what to expect if you need a cesarean section, and walk through different scenarios so you’re prepared.

For example, I think I was less nervous when we took a glucose test that I would have been at a doctor’s office. Even if a glucose test comes back positive, it doesn’t mean your baby will have diabetes which was something people kept (falsely) warning me about. There was also a test after birth where they may keep the baby an additional 24 hours if needed, and it was simply a precaution and won’t harm the baby, so it was a relief knowing more about it. People often shared “scary” birthing stories with me day-to-day that “they heard,” so it was good to hear actual, real expectations and put some of the myths to rest.

I liked hearing the real medical truth and scientific facts versus old wives’ tales and “someone told me” stories that get confusing because they often contradict from one person’s version to the next person’s version. The facts were reassuring and I felt more knowledgeable and clear.

It was good to hear them talk about the safety of knowing better and doing better for things like safe sleep – the chances of a baby dying in their sleep is very slim if the baby is always following ABCDs: Alone, on their Back, in a bare, empty Crib, and Don’t smoke in a home with a baby. Most sleep-related deaths are preventable, accidental suffocations. As long as the baby is Alone – no one else is sleeping with the baby (including no adults, other kids, or pets), no pillows, blankets or stuffed animals are in the sleeping area, the baby is on its Back, in an empty Crib or Pack-N-Play and not on a soft surface (no couches, chairs, or adult beds), and no one smokes in the house or before handling the baby, it is extremely rare for a baby to die in their sleep. Once I heard most sleep-related deaths are preventable by following the ABCDs it made feel a lot better, like one less thing to stress about, since I could help control it and it wasn’t “random.”

Labor is another thing people love to scare you about with horror stories and it really worries you when you’re pregnant. I’m not sure why people like scaring pregnant women but it was so nice to hear real things about different scenarios, like if your baby doesn’t cry when it’s born, don’t be alarmed – that isn’t that uncommon. They explained that newborns commonly only sleep an hour, two, or three at a time and usually eat almost that often, sometimes more and sometimes less, so it’s typically normal and nothing to worry about. They also usually cry for several hours a day total. (Asking if a newborn baby sleeps through the night is like asking if the newborn can read – it isn’t even supposed to!)

People without medical degrees sometimes have the information way wrong although they are trying to be helpful. Scientific understanding and medicine changes fast so even experiences or recommendations from a few years ago could be much different today than they were then.

On top of feeling empowered with knowledge, Centering is a fun, easy way to meet other moms, often with other children, and it really helps being around the happiness and love and support of a group.

When I was pregnant, I was looking into the benefits of breastfeeding, researching the benefits of breastfeeding for baby and the benefits of breastfeeding for mom. And I thought, OK we’re going to do this thing!

In the beginning, it was tough. Luckily, friends warned me it might be a challenge or uncomfortable at first, but not to give up. So, I knew it wasn’t unusual.

We did run into some complications. He had a bad latch and he wasn’t getting enough milk at first, so I had to see a lactation consultant once a week for the first month to get the latching down and get my milk producing right. But after that, I knew exactly what I needed to do. I had to keep up with the pumping, I had to take care of myself, drinking water and eating right, and make sure I got enough sleep. So, my complications were more of the typical ones that can come with it.

The whole time, the ladies in my support group were there and said, “You got this! You can do it.” My original goal for breastfeeding was a year and now it’s been eighteen months.

I would say honestly at least give it a try. That’s the first step. It’s a level of commitment but it’s so beneficial that it’s worth it. And there are plenty of resources out there, like CenteringPregnancy groups where there’s support behind it. Give it a chance. And if you love it, you love it, and if not, just remember it’s still beneficial for mom and for baby, even if it’s for a shorter time.

The bonding of it is absolutely phenomenal. My son and I have such an amazing relationship and that bonding time is really beneficial. I feel like it’s helped him a lot. It’s also helped me a lot because breastfeeding releases the “happy hormones” when we’re there in that moment. It’s like nothing else matters when he’s happy and smiling, and maybe just looking at me, putting his fingers in my mouth, like everything is all OK.

Our breastfeeding group came about because we had a group of friends that were all pregnant at the same time. Two of us were roommates in college. We just started our group to keep in touch and to do this thing together, like “you’re my support.”

We’ve been bonded since then and it’s been an amazing support. We get to vent to each other, and we get to encourage each other. It’s relatable, it’s supportive, and I love it.

Other people try to be helpful but sometimes their comments come from a lack of education in the sense that some people don’t really know what the benefits of breastfeeding are and why I’m doing it. And honestly, they get discouraging at points. In those times, yes, I sometimes felt like giving up. Sometimes I was discouraged or stressed.

A myth I heard a lot from people was that when babies get teeth, they’re automatically just going to bite. That’s not true because of the way they latch on. It’s actually not even really possible for them to bite unless they move their tongue out of the way. I also heard that he was too big, or too old. But if your body is producing milk, you can breastfeed, if your baby wants to.

The whole time, the ladies in my support group were there and said, “You got this! You can do it.” My original goal for breastfeeding was a year and now it’s been eighteen months.

He’s never had anything more than a common cold. Never had an ear infection. Nothing respiratory.

He likes it. I like it. We’re good!

Even if you pump, breast milk is breast milk. Whether the baby is getting breast milk straight from mom or off the bottle — I encourage it either way. I think that honestly is a reason why there are lower rates for black moms breastfeeding, because it’s not encouraged. We don’t have the education that comes with it. People are throwing formula at us. It’s like, OK, is formula just like the natural option? Don’t breastfeed? It can sound like formula is an equal option because it’s common. I think people have good intentions, but they just don’t have the correct information all the time.

Now when I hear misinformation or odd comments, I just think, “That’s fine. This is my child. I know there are tons of positives for breastfeeding and I’ve seen them myself.” And I try to help other black moms try breastfeeding and encourage them.

My suggestions would be for every mom who can to give it a chance. There are plenty of resources and support groups out there who want you to succeed!

Jazzmine P. has witnessed firsthand the impact Birthing Beautiful Communities (BBC) is having throughout Cleveland — first as a client, and now as one of their perinatal support professionals. BBC’s model improves health outcomes for both mother and baby by providing women with doulas to assist them throughout their pregnancy and their child’s first year of life. Since 2014, the organization has grown from serving a handful of women to more than 500 in Cuyahoga County. Here, Jazzmine talks about her experience on both sides of the program.

I have two daughters, an eight-year-old and a one-year-old. With both children, I went through the CenteringPregnancy program for my prenatal care. The founder of Birthing Beautiful Communities Communities, Christin Farmer, came to talk to my group and tell us about the program. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but it sounded like something I needed.

With my second pregnancy, my daughter’s father wasn’t around at all. I was really struggling with feeling alone and stressed before I started going to the classes at BBC.

But once I started going, it was incredible just being around other women and realizing that I wasn’t the only one going through what I was going through. Even if the other women didn’t have the exact same background, I realized we were all dealing with something, and the support made it easier.

“The connections I made were so strong. I actually met one of my best friends, Mya, in the program — we talk all the time and it’s great because our kids are the same age.”

Prior to BBC I felt like I had isolated myself. I felt maybe I was ashamed about being pregnant; but the classes really helped me let that go.

The connections I made were so strong. I actually met one of my best friends, Mya, in the program — we talk all the time and it’s great because our kids are the same age.

The biggest benefit is that the staff helped me notice how stressed I was. I didn’t notice I was yelling for no reason. I didn’t realize that I was angry and sad. I thought the way I was feeling was normal. They helped me notice the way I was maneuvering wasn’t healthy for me or my unborn child.

After I recognized it, I was able to talk about it. At the time, I was a private person. I kept my problems, my emotions and my feelings to myself. Having a place where I didn’t feel judged, where someone wouldn’t look down on me, was a blessing.

Before working at BBC, I was working as a state tested nursing aide (STNA). One day, my doula called me and told me that I should apply to BBC. They knew I had taken the classes seriously and would be a good fit as a doula with them. It fell in my lap at the right time.

Because I was a client myself at BBC, I feel like I can empathize with our clients on a different level. I try to be there any way that I can for someone who I know really needs it. I know what it’s like to want to do something and not having the means to do it. I get a natural high off helping people.

Even though I had a doula myself, being on the other side has given me a different perspective and I can see how thankful our clients are for even the smallest gestures. It’s incredibly rewarding.