The evening my son passed away, I was at work. It was strange because my husband kept calling me back to back to back. When I finally picked up the phone, the only thing he could get out was, “Maison,” our son’s name.

I immediately knew something was really wrong. I collapsed on the floor of the bathroom at my job.

By the time I made it home, I was greeted by the coroner. They had already tried, unsuccessfully, to administer CPR.

Cause of death was determined to be sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS), as there were no health concerns and there wasn’t anything in the crib — no bumpers, no pillows. We were devastated, to say the least.

There was a mixed reaction among friends and family. Some of my family members were supportive, but others were insensitive. They just didn’t know what to say. It’s almost preferable that they don’t say anything. But, that’s how you end up feeling isolated because you don’t want to risk it.

We don’t want to lose any babies to something that can be prevented, so it’s important to speak to parents about the ABCDs of safe sleep — to put a baby to sleep Alone, on their Back, in a Crib and Don’t smoke. It’s a no-brainer for me to help spread the word.

The hardest part of that is encouraging people to put their babies to sleep on their backs. In our culture, we’re told by our parents and our grandparents that stomach sleeping is fine. Nothing bad happened when they did it all those years ago. They do really want the best for you, but they’re not really open to hearing about the new research. They want you to get rest and to them, that’s how you do it: you put the baby to sleep on their stomach.

“So many people live in silent grief and pain, and I can give voice to them, so they can begin to heal.”

So, I push back and tell them this: That one time you decide not to follow the safe sleep guidelines could be the one time that puts your baby at risk.

Do the best thing that you know how to do.

Each day gets a little more manageable, but it still feels like the day I lost my son. You don’t want to ever live with having buried a child. It’s the worst feeling in the world. It’s not worth it.

Support groups are very important. Sometimes people don’t want to talk about their grief, but talking about it is one of the ways you begin to heal.

My friend Dawn and I kept saying, “We need to do something.” So we launched Mending Mommy in August 2018. It’s a local organization that provides support to mothers and fathers who have suffered the loss of a child, no matter how old the child was when they passed. We build each other up, and we’re there for each other. That fellowship is so important.

We meet once a month, kind of informal. It’s a safe place. We can feel like somebody gets us and that they can relate to that level of pain.

Sometimes, in our grief, we have the tendency to isolate ourselves. And that can be detrimental to healing — so Dawn and I have created a space where people can process what they’re feeling.

I’ve become the voice for parents who don’t share. So many people live in silent grief and pain, and I can give voice to them, so they can begin to heal. You don’t ever get over the loss. You anticipated growing with this child — through kindergarten, college and kids of their own.

And that future is gone — and it’s a hard thing to cope with.

So, now this is my purpose. And it also helps me because it helps me feel like my baby’s life wasn’t in vain. Because now I get to help people through sharing his story.

I was shocked when I found out I was having twins. Two babies? It took me a minute to wrap my head around that, even though my husband and I had been trying to get pregnant. We were newly married and I had been taking prenatal vitamins in preparation. But, it seemed that just as I was starting to get excited about the twins, they were yanked away. Around the fifth month of pregnancy, I lost both babies. It was unreal. I don’t have any other way to describe it. I didn’t know anything like that could happen.

What I realized in my loss was that nothing they told me was true. They told me if I had an education (I had a bachelor’s degree), if I was married, if I had health care… if I had all these things in place, the numbers say I should have a healthy pregnancy. Now, I had a healthy pregnancy before, without any of that. When I had my first child, Ethan (now 17), I hadn’t yet graduated from college. I wasn’t married. I was on CareSource insurance. I didn’t have what they said I was supposed to have. And not only was Ethan full-term, he was overdue!

And this time I planned the pregnancy. It was a no-brainer. I was married now — my husband worked in the hospital system, so we had the best health care. And you’re telling me I still can’t have a healthy pregnancy? After we came home from the hospital, I wasn’t picking up the phone for many people. But, my sorority sister, Nicole, was different.

“We have this unique position to turn it all around and be the example for the generation that’s coming up.”

She had lost her son earlier that year and I knew she understood my pain. She wasn’t going to say anything stupid. She asked to come visit, along with her husband. They sat on the couch with us and they brought pictures of their son. We started talking about loss. She told me and my husband that we both had to go to counseling — together and individually — if we were going to make it through.

That conversation was very impactful and the only reason either one of us are here today. My doctor told me to wait 18 months after the loss of the twins to try to get pregnant again, but you can’t tell a grieving woman — who had one job in this entire world, which was to have some babies — not to have a baby after she failed miserably. Whether it’s true or not does not matter. He couldn’t have told me not to go and fight. To find out that I was pregnant with twins again the following year was really scary. It was shocking. I already saw what happens when I carry twins. It seemed like my body couldn’t really carry them to term.

I said, “Okay God, I don’t know what you’re doing here. You’re going to have to take the wheel.” Still to this day I don’t know how we made it. Our doctor took us in, cradled us and got us through the pregnancy. To this day I still email him.

I’m vocal about my loss because we’re not talking about this in the black community. We talk about baby showers, but we don’t talk about the hard stuff. It’s still kind of hidden because, when I bring up losing a baby, people look at me like I have seven heads. But you don’t want to find out the way I found out. So, let’s have a conversation.

Had there been no child loss, there would be no Renegade Soul. I love the personal training because it stems from the grief and it has helped me mentally be stronger in other areas. I love what I do and, through Renegade Soul, I’m also able to partner with First Year Cleveland. It’s grief recovery through fitness. It’s everything that I do and everything that I’m about. I do the Infant Mortality Tuesday posts on Instagram to share that type of information. Most of the people who encounter me know that it’s not just personal training. It’s generational health wealth.

We have this unique position to turn it all around and be the example for the generation that’s coming up. I’m only one woman, but I’ve got 16 clients. So that’s 16 families I can start with. You gotta start somewhere.

The night my grandson passed was just an ordinary day. The family had movie night that evening, with everyone gathered together in the living room. My son-in-law had just worked a double shift, so he was extra tired; but, he wanted to have that quality time with family. After the movie, he took Brandyce in the bedroom, so they could get some sleep and he would be close. But, when he woke up, Brandyce was not breathing. He had been caught in the covers. My daughter tried CPR, but it didn’t work. It was an incredibly difficult loss.

I became a safe sleep advocate in the emergency room on the day my grandson passed. The nurse in charge pulled me away from the family and somehow must have felt she could confide in me. I so vividly remember the sense of loss and fear she had for our babies as she made me aware of how she sees this happen on a regular basis. I thanked her for making me aware and said her testimony would not be in vain.

It was a tragedy that I would not want any other family to go through. That’s why I’m so dedicated to spreading the word about how to stop this from happening to any other child. I tell parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts — really, anyone who will listen — that they have to follow the ABCDs: have the baby sleep Alone, on its Back, in a Crib and Don’t smoke. Some give pushback because it goes against something they’ve done all their lives. Their mothers put them to sleep on their stomachs. Their grandmothers did the same thing. That’s when I tell them, “I did it, too.”

“It was a tragedy that I would not want any other family to go through. That’s why I’m so dedicated to spreading the word about how to stop this from happening to any other child.”

I breastfed all my babies and at night, I was tired. Babies eat all the time and sometimes I was just too tired to put them down in their crib. So, I would put them on my chest and hold them tight so I didn’t roll over on them. Thank the Lord I was able to do that safely, but unfortunately, not everyone can, and it’s not worth it to take that risk. We can help these babies by using the ABCDs. When you know better, you do better — because I didn’t know. My mother didn’t know. Once you know, though, you have to push yourself through the exhaustion and make sure your child has a safe place to sleep. Following the ABCDs is the best bet for a safe night’s sleep.

Every year, we lose a kindergarten class-size of babies due to unsafe co-sleeping. When I share that number, people go silent, because that puts it into perspective. Once you know that, that image sticks with you. Now, I recognize that trust is key — people will trust what their mother tells them more than a doctor or a speaker at an event that they’ve never met before. That’s why we each have to be vocal about this and make sure we’re spreading the message to everyone who needs to hear. I am now a part-time loss trainer with First Year Cleveland, and in the videos in the training module for MetroHealth Hospitals, I share my story and the importance of safe sleep habits.

If you can educate one person, then that person will turn around and educate a friend. Then, that friend will educate another friend. And then we’ll have a movement — and we’ll have our babies, all grown up.

When people think about pregnancy classes, they think you’ll be learning from a textbook, that it’ll be long and boring. My husband and I weren’t really planning on taking many classes, outside of a breastfeeding class. There’s always the chance that you’ll just end up spending a bunch of time in a room, listening to things we already knew.

But after my midwife recommended the CenteringPregnancy program, I talked it over with my husband and we decided to give it a shot around the 20-week mark. Turns out, we loved it.

“It was nice to hear other women were going through things that I was going through, that I wouldn’t have said. People started connecting with each other’s stories.”

At first, everyone’s getting to know each other. In the program, you are an active participant in your pregnancy assessments. The first part of each session is when you come in and weigh yourself, then you take your own blood pressure. You learn what numbers to look for — what’s good and what’s concerning. Then you sit with the midwife to discuss things you may not want to talk about in front of everyone else. I like the way it’s set up because you’re not losing your one-on-one time with your provider.

It took a little time for everyone to start opening up and getting more comfortable. It was nice to hear other women were going through things that I was going through, that I wouldn’t have said. People started connecting with each other’s stories. They would remember something you said the week prior and follow up to ask how you were doing. It was great to know they cared.

I was concerned my husband might be bored at the sessions, but he connected with all the other dads. It was nice for him to be involved for longer than 10 minutes, once a month, at our appointments. He got to hear things I was going through, that I maybe wouldn’t have talked about. It was educational for him in caring for a newborn and supporting me. You don’t know you need to talk about it until someone else talks about it.

My labor was so fast that I didn’t fully realize I had a baby until two days later! Luckily, we had discussions in Centering about having a flexible birth plan. I wanted the epidural but when I got to the hospital there was no time. There’s no way to prepare fully for it, but at Centering, we talked about how your body is made to do this. Everything will be okay no matter how it works out.

Centering also gave me a chance to get to know my midwife. At regular appointments, they don’t really know that much about you. It’s hard to build that relationship in such a short time. But in Centering we got to see each other a lot more.

While she didn’t deliver my daughter, my midwife came to visit us at the hospital. She followed up with me. It was a great feeling to know I wasn’t alone. That relationship with her is something I truly value.