The night my grandson passed was just an ordinary day. The family had movie night that evening, with everyone gathered together in the living room. My son-in-law had just worked a double shift, so he was extra tired; but, he wanted to have that quality time with family. After the movie, he took Brandyce in the bedroom, so they could get some sleep and he would be close. But, when he woke up, Brandyce was not breathing. He had been caught in the covers. My daughter tried CPR, but it didn’t work. It was an incredibly difficult loss.

I became a safe sleep advocate in the emergency room on the day my grandson passed. The nurse in charge pulled me away from the family and somehow must have felt she could confide in me. I so vividly remember the sense of loss and fear she had for our babies as she made me aware of how she sees this happen on a regular basis. I thanked her for making me aware and said her testimony would not be in vain.

It was a tragedy that I would not want any other family to go through. That’s why I’m so dedicated to spreading the word about how to stop this from happening to any other child. I tell parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts — really, anyone who will listen — that they have to follow the ABCDs: have the baby sleep Alone, on its Back, in a Crib and Don’t smoke. Some give pushback because it goes against something they’ve done all their lives. Their mothers put them to sleep on their stomachs. Their grandmothers did the same thing. That’s when I tell them, “I did it, too.”

“It was a tragedy that I would not want any other family to go through. That’s why I’m so dedicated to spreading the word about how to stop this from happening to any other child.”

I breastfed all my babies and at night, I was tired. Babies eat all the time and sometimes I was just too tired to put them down in their crib. So, I would put them on my chest and hold them tight so I didn’t roll over on them. Thank the Lord I was able to do that safely, but unfortunately, not everyone can, and it’s not worth it to take that risk. We can help these babies by using the ABCDs. When you know better, you do better — because I didn’t know. My mother didn’t know. Once you know, though, you have to push yourself through the exhaustion and make sure your child has a safe place to sleep. Following the ABCDs is the best bet for a safe night’s sleep.

Every year, we lose a kindergarten class-size of babies due to unsafe co-sleeping. When I share that number, people go silent, because that puts it into perspective. Once you know that, that image sticks with you. Now, I recognize that trust is key — people will trust what their mother tells them more than a doctor or a speaker at an event that they’ve never met before. That’s why we each have to be vocal about this and make sure we’re spreading the message to everyone who needs to hear. I am now a part-time loss trainer with First Year Cleveland, and in the videos in the training module for MetroHealth Hospitals, I share my story and the importance of safe sleep habits.

If you can educate one person, then that person will turn around and educate a friend. Then, that friend will educate another friend. And then we’ll have a movement — and we’ll have our babies, all grown up.

When people think about pregnancy classes, they think you’ll be learning from a textbook, that it’ll be long and boring. My husband and I weren’t really planning on taking many classes, outside of a breastfeeding class. There’s always the chance that you’ll just end up spending a bunch of time in a room, listening to things we already knew.

But after my midwife recommended the CenteringPregnancy program, I talked it over with my husband and we decided to give it a shot around the 20-week mark. Turns out, we loved it.

“It was nice to hear other women were going through things that I was going through, that I wouldn’t have said. People started connecting with each other’s stories.”

At first, everyone’s getting to know each other. In the program, you are an active participant in your pregnancy assessments. The first part of each session is when you come in and weigh yourself, then you take your own blood pressure. You learn what numbers to look for — what’s good and what’s concerning. Then you sit with the midwife to discuss things you may not want to talk about in front of everyone else. I like the way it’s set up because you’re not losing your one-on-one time with your provider.

It took a little time for everyone to start opening up and getting more comfortable. It was nice to hear other women were going through things that I was going through, that I wouldn’t have said. People started connecting with each other’s stories. They would remember something you said the week prior and follow up to ask how you were doing. It was great to know they cared.

I was concerned my husband might be bored at the sessions, but he connected with all the other dads. It was nice for him to be involved for longer than 10 minutes, once a month, at our appointments. He got to hear things I was going through, that I maybe wouldn’t have talked about. It was educational for him in caring for a newborn and supporting me. You don’t know you need to talk about it until someone else talks about it.

My labor was so fast that I didn’t fully realize I had a baby until two days later! Luckily, we had discussions in Centering about having a flexible birth plan. I wanted the epidural but when I got to the hospital there was no time. There’s no way to prepare fully for it, but at Centering, we talked about how your body is made to do this. Everything will be okay no matter how it works out.

Centering also gave me a chance to get to know my midwife. At regular appointments, they don’t really know that much about you. It’s hard to build that relationship in such a short time. But in Centering we got to see each other a lot more.

While she didn’t deliver my daughter, my midwife came to visit us at the hospital. She followed up with me. It was a great feeling to know I wasn’t alone. That relationship with her is something I truly value.

I’ve always wanted to become a mother. It was one of my dreams. I was always that number one babysitter in my teen years. When all my friends got married and had kids, my gift was always babysitting. I’d watch the kids if they needed to get away for a weekend or go to special events. I’ve just always loved children. I was married in 1995, and we started trying to get pregnant in 1997. My first pregnancy was in 1999, in the midst of my husband and I working hard to open our funeral home. We were so excited to become parents.

On January 22, 2000, we hosted our grand opening. It was one of the happiest and saddest days of my life because I had lost the baby just three days before, right near the end of my first trimester. I experienced so much pain and felt so alone, even though hundreds of people showed up to support us on the launch of the business. My husband was trying to be my support system, but he was hurting, also. I was smiling and rejoicing on the outside but crying on the inside. One dream was fulfilled and the other dream — motherhood — was not. At that time, I had no one to talk to about it. With a lot of my friends, it seemed like a lot of things came easy. They got pregnant and there were no complications. I was surrounded by people who had successful pregnancies.

I had a lot on my plate during this time. We had started a new business and I was taking care of my mother-in-law, multi-tasking on many levels. I felt like I had to keep it moving. Because if I didn’t keep it moving, I would fall apart. We kept trying to get pregnant and suffered more losses along the way. I suffered a lot in silence. I was depressed, but I smiled in public. I started developing all these strange symptoms where doctors couldn’t find a reason for the pain. But then one doctor told me, “All these symptoms are stress related.”

You internalize that pain and it ends up coming out one way or another. Finally, in 2006, I went to Houston and visited Lakewood Church. I waited in line after the service to meet Joel Osteen and his wife Victoria, and they prayed with me. He told me, “You need to activate your faith in a big way. You need to act like you’re already a mother.”

I went home and thought about what my baby needed. I bought an SUV, car seat and clothes. My husband thought I was going bonkers, but he stood in faith with me. At this time, I opened up and told people what I had been going through and asked them to pray for me. Later that year, someone recommended a doctor who handles very difficult fertility cases. He reviewed all my information and said, “I believe we can make this happen.”

My son Jason Harper L. II was born healthy in July 2007. I tell him all the time, “You are just such a blessing.” The baby journey was long, but it helped my character. I’m a lot more sensitive and want to help people through the process. It is a painful process, but you have to surrender to get through that pain. I want to give back now and let people know they’re not alone. I feel my purpose is to help others navigate through their grief and pain.

My Baby
By Yolanda L.

My Baby
Your smile when you awake
Warms my heart & day
Your little hands touch my face and
Your small arms wrap around my neck and shoulder
My heart melts with your embrace and I am so thankful for God’s Grace

To let me have you and be with you

Every day
You’re so beautiful
You look like a porcelain doll
Your life has brought me so much Joy
You’re truly a miracle
I am a blessed woman

To watch you grow and develop is amazing
Each day is something new that I cherish

It feels like a dream
The years of heartache, loss and grief
Are subsided…with a new beginning
All I see at this very moment.

IS

My precious living Baby and a grateful Mommy.

I found out about Centering when I scheduled my first prenatal appointment through Cleveland Clinic’s appointment line. I really liked the idea that it’s an easier way to do appointments in a fun environment, so thought why not give it a shot, and I loved it! I was expecting it to be more like a group meeting, kind of bland or boring, but when I got there it was a really nice, laid-back environment, and everybody was really friendly. It was eye opening about certain things to expect. Everyone made you feel welcome and comfortable. The people there – the other mothers and couples – made me feel really welcome.

I didn’t ask that many questions because I didn’t know what to ask, but other mothers and couples asked questions I didn’t even think to ask. Tony, Fran, and Janet from the Clinic would throw question to the group to consider and discuss too. That was very helpful, hearing all the questions you would want to ask if you thought of them!

Here’s what I tell people about Centering Pregnancy: If you don’t want to go to some boring appointment where you sit most of the time alone and only have a few short minutes with a doctor, and you want to meet other mothers probably going to thorough some of the same things that you are at the moment, and meet some of the people who will be working with you and your child when you’re in labor and the child is born – Centering is perfect! It’s open and conversational, and you are welcome with open arms. And, it’s a lot better and safer than trying to ask advice from people who really don’t have current medical training. Since you gain so much knowledge, I also tell people it’s like parent guiding or a pregnancy knowledge circle. And it’s all explained in easy terms for people who don’t speak in medical terminology.

Once people see the format and what to expect they really like it. It’s a good way to get questions and concerns out like “that’s not what I heard,” or “someone told me this,” and then the Centering facilitators can explain if something isn’t actually true, and correct common myths. There were a lot of things people “heard” and were nervous about but weren’t actually based in reality – so they could breathe a sigh of relief knowing what was true or not and not needing to worry about untrue myths.

You can also meet some of the medical team who might be around during your labor, so you feel more comfortable. The facilitators answer any questions you have. They would also prompt questions about day care, breastfeeding while working, labor techniques and options to explore, normal birthing procedures, what to expect if you need a cesarean section, and walk through different scenarios so you’re prepared.

For example, I think I was less nervous when we took a glucose test that I would have been at a doctor’s office. Even if a glucose test comes back positive, it doesn’t mean your baby will have diabetes which was something people kept (falsely) warning me about. There was also a test after birth where they may keep the baby an additional 24 hours if needed, and it was simply a precaution and won’t harm the baby, so it was a relief knowing more about it. People often shared “scary” birthing stories with me day-to-day that “they heard,” so it was good to hear actual, real expectations and put some of the myths to rest.

I liked hearing the real medical truth and scientific facts versus old wives’ tales and “someone told me” stories that get confusing because they often contradict from one person’s version to the next person’s version. The facts were reassuring and I felt more knowledgeable and clear.

It was good to hear them talk about the safety of knowing better and doing better for things like safe sleep – the chances of a baby dying in their sleep is very slim if the baby is always following ABCDs: Alone, on their Back, in a bare, empty Crib, and Don’t smoke in a home with a baby. Most sleep-related deaths are preventable, accidental suffocations. As long as the baby is Alone – no one else is sleeping with the baby (including no adults, other kids, or pets), no pillows, blankets or stuffed animals are in the sleeping area, the baby is on its Back, in an empty Crib or Pack-N-Play and not on a soft surface (no couches, chairs, or adult beds), and no one smokes in the house or before handling the baby, it is extremely rare for a baby to die in their sleep. Once I heard most sleep-related deaths are preventable by following the ABCDs it made feel a lot better, like one less thing to stress about, since I could help control it and it wasn’t “random.”

Labor is another thing people love to scare you about with horror stories and it really worries you when you’re pregnant. I’m not sure why people like scaring pregnant women but it was so nice to hear real things about different scenarios, like if your baby doesn’t cry when it’s born, don’t be alarmed – that isn’t that uncommon. They explained that newborns commonly only sleep an hour, two, or three at a time and usually eat almost that often, sometimes more and sometimes less, so it’s typically normal and nothing to worry about. They also usually cry for several hours a day total. (Asking if a newborn baby sleeps through the night is like asking if the newborn can read – it isn’t even supposed to!)

People without medical degrees sometimes have the information way wrong although they are trying to be helpful. Scientific understanding and medicine changes fast so even experiences or recommendations from a few years ago could be much different today than they were then.

On top of feeling empowered with knowledge, Centering is a fun, easy way to meet other moms, often with other children, and it really helps being around the happiness and love and support of a group.